I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
