Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
