So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
