i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to cum in my sink.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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