how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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