so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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