you would pick up someone in the library
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
