she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
