We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
