Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
