If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
