You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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