Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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