Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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