So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
