There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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