I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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