He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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