Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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