I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
