If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
