just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
