Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
