My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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