I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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