The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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