He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
