I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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