If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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