I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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