Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So squirting runs in the family.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
