are you still at the devil's house?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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