you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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