I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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