Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
