he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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