My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
