I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
