So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
