just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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