Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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