I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
