My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
