remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
