I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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