At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Randomize
