He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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