he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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