I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
