he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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