can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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