Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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