I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
