Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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